letting go... for real.

Building up to this weekend's worship, I tried to focus on the details. I wanted to hang back on my guitar and give the other instruments in the team opportunity to feature. I made notes so everyone could prepare at home, and I listened to the audio versions repeatedly. But most of all - I prayed. At first for the technical stuff, but more seriously for the condition of my heart.

I recently discovered that I am in fact a perfectionist, and that I really suck at accepting it when things don't go according to plan (my plan at least). I tend to feel personally responsible when a worship session has a few flaws or hiccups, so for this week's session I prayed more about my hang-ups than anything else. I needed to put my SELF-confidence aside and put all my confidence in God. He is after all the one who works through worship music, and we are merely the vessels.

Knowing that we would be trying our new approach, where the leader does NOT need to play full throttle all the way, was pretty challenging because I needed to REALLY be OK with not being in control all the time. I confessed my fear of failure during my preparation and God gave me peace regardless of the uncertainty. I looked at my notes again and decided not to stress if I forget some of them, and I also needed to trust in the team's abilities.

They pulled together brilliantly and we had a good time experimenting with dynamics. My heart skipped a beat when we lost our flow a few times during the worship, but it was so liberating to be able to shake it off and continue - as they say: "smile and wave". Our worship was wonderfully human. I was reminded that God tests our hearts and that my most important responsibility was to be a worshipper in spirit and in truth. Sure, God's standard is super high, but I know now that excellence in character and relationship with God comes way before musical excellence (so easy for me to say but maturing in this is taking some time). I do however believe that He will bless our musical skills even more if we remember not to make it our first priority.

I think this was the first time I went home and did not feel like a wreck after leading a worship session. In stead of repeating each glitch and technical error over and over in my mind, wondering what I should have done differently, I had a fun and relaxed afternoon soaking up the peace that God had given me. Such a big breakthrough for me!